His Guilt
by ImaginaryGirlxx
Summary: Clara's been having nightmares since Trenzalore but won't tell the Doctor. What happens when he finds out? One-shot.


**Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, just wish I did!**

Clara woke up in a cold sweat; her breathing shallow and her body overcome with the adrenaline rush experienced upon awaking from a nightmare. She'd been running away from a Dalek when she'd died again. Every night the dreams were different but she always woke up at the time of her death. It had been going on every night since she'd entered the Doctor's time stream. She should've known there would be consequences upon surviving something like that.

When the Doctor brought her back he'd asked her if she remembered anything. The guilt in his eyes was enough to convince her she needed to lie. She knew the Doctor's past now, even the bits he'd tried to keep hidden from her. Every time he lost someone he blamed himself. He was a mad man who came crashing in to ordinary people's lives and messing them up, changing them. Sometimes it was for the better but other times… well she could see why he'd spent so long hiding on a cloud after he'd lost the Ponds. The last thing he needed was for her to add to that guilt.

It had been tricky at first to keep the new knowledge she had to herself. There were things that she had wanted to bring up to help him see that not everything was his fault but she couldn't bring herself to bring back that pain. Armed with the knowledge that she had, she figured she'd be doing more harm than good. Instead, she kept quiet.

As hard as she tried, Clara wasn't able to get back to sleep that night. Dalek dreams were always the worst. They were an ever-present enemy and she feared them more than anything she'd faced with the Doctor herself, despite never having met them.

The next morning Clara was sipping a coffee in the TARDIS control room, trying to stay awake. She figured she'd had three hours sleep at most the night before and was starting to hope that she wouldn't have to run away from any new disaster today. She wasn't quite sure why but her memories of saving the Doctor didn't ever come from her future, so she had no idea what she'd be faced with next. She took some pleasure in that small mercy as she'd learnt about how dangerous foreknowledge could be when she watched the Doctor lose Amy and Rory.

"Morning Clara!" The Doctor shouted as he all but jumped into the room. He had a seemingly endless supply of energy and excitement and Clara couldn't help but envy that in her exhausted state.

"Morning." She mumbled back as she struggled to stay awake.

"Everything alright?" He asked in concern.

"Yeah, fine." Clara brushed it off. "Just didn't sleep well last night."

"Did she hide your bedroom again?" He turned to the centre of the TARDIS control room. "I thought I told you to stop doing that." He scolded the machine.

"No it didn't. I just couldn't get to sleep."

The Doctor looked at her sceptically but didn't say anything more on the subject. Instead he headed excitedly to the console and started pressing seemingly random combinations of buttons and levers.

"Where do you want to go next?" The Doctor asked. "There's a fantastic ball in Manhattan in 1922 that I've always wanted to go to." He suggested.

"Sounds good." Clara smiled. "Should I go and get changed?"

"Don't take too long this time." He warned playfully.

"How often do I get to go to a ball in the 1920s? I want to make the most of this. The clothes were fantastic in that era."

The Doctor rolled his eyes. He'd never understood women's obsession with fashion. He was happy with a suit, a bow tie and a fez, although he knew that last one would be pushing it. Why did no one like his fez?

While Clara was getting changed he set the TARDIS to their destination and flew her back in time.

After a couple of minutes Clara stumbled into the control room.

"Use the stabilisers!" She shouted to him. "Do you know how difficult it is to get dressed while shaking around in a spaceship?"

"How do you know about the stabilisers?" The Doctor replied as he somewhat reluctantly pressed the blue switches on the main console.

How _did_ she know? She'd overheard River moaning at him about them many times in the past but it wasn't as if she could tell him that.

"Oh, ummm River mentioned it on Trenzalore." She said, thinking on her feet. "She told me to nag you to use them more. It's bad for the TARDIS, not to mention me!"

"I thought you were getting changed?" The Doctor reminded her playfully. With that she returned to her bedroom to continue fixing her hair. She then slid into a beautiful dress she'd found in the seemingly endless TARDIS wardrobe. There was nothing you couldn't find in there. It was like having her own historical shopping centre, only without the painful price tags.

Once she was changed she headed back to the console room to see the Doctor waiting for her.

"Ready to go?" He smiled. He had to admit that she looked stunning in the outfit she'd chosen.

"Yep." She replied, returning his smile.

They left the TARDIS arm in arm, excited to go on this new adventure. Clara's tiredness seemed to have worn off, if only as a temporary effect of the large coffee she'd just had.

Upon arrival at the ball the Doctor and Clara took it upon themselves to mingle with some of the guests. They approached a man who seemed somewhat out of place in the fancy hall filled with people in expensive suits and beautiful gowns. He was dressed down in comparison and the Doctor was intrigued by him.

"Good evening." He smiled at the man, who seemed happy to be noticed. "I'm the Doctor and this is my lady friend."

Clara stepped forward and introduced herself. "Daisy Buchanan." She smiled and the Doctor tried to stifle a laugh at the name she'd chosen.

"Scott Fitzgerald." The man replied, offering the Doctor his hand to shake. Clara and the Doctor exchanged a look of disbelief before he shook Fitzgerald's hand enthusiastically, even by his standards. "It's a lovely ball isn't it?" He commented.

"It is." The Doctor grinned. "We must go and find something to drink." The Doctor said.

"Nice to meet you Doctor." He said before turning to Clara. "And Miss Daisy."

The Doctor and Clara walked away. "Do you think that was really...?" Clara asked. The Doctor nodded. "And now he's going to use the name Daisy as…?" He nodded again. "I love time travel." Clara concluded.

"It's not the first time that's happened. Donna, my old companion, had a bit of an influence on Agatha Christie's work."

Clara laughed at the excitement of the evening, the nightmares she'd been having all but forgotten as she enjoyed the extravagant ball. Although she didn't meet anyone else she recognised, she had a great time and so did the Doctor. By the time they returned to the TARDIS their feet were sore from dancing and they were both grinning from ear to ear.

"Where to now?" The Doctor asked as soon as the TARDIS doors closed behind them.

"You're not tired?" Clara asked.

"Nope. I'm ready to go. How about I show you Felspoon? It's got mountains that sway." He looked over to Clara who looked like she was about to fall asleep on the spot. "Feel free to have a nap first though, I'll even keep the stabilisers on so I don't wake you." He added, knowing how tired she'd been the past few days.

Clara thanked him and headed back to her bedroom to get changed into something more comfortable.

A couple of hours later the Doctor came bounding in to her bedroom to wake her up. They'd landed a while ago but he decided to let her sleep a bit longer. She'd seemed exhausted. When he arrived at her bedroom he knocked on the door to try and wake her up. When there was no reply he put his ear to the door to listen for signs of movement. It was then that he heard a soft sobbing so he opened the door to find out what was wrong.

He was faced with a sleeping Clara who looked far from peaceful. She was breathing heavily and there were tears running down her face as she thrashed about in the bed. She was having a nightmare. In no time at all, the Doctor was by her side trying to rouse her from her sleeping state.

"Clara wake up!" He whispered, not wanting to shout if he could help it. When it seemed he was having no luck being gentle he raised his voice, bringing her quickly out of her nightmare.

"Doctor?" She asked in a panic. "You're alive?"

"Of course I'm alive. Why wouldn't I be alive?" He asked.

Clara turned her head away from him. This worried the Doctor. Normally Clara would tell him when something was wrong and was the first to point out when she thought he was making a mistake. She was behaving differently and the Doctor had a suspicion that it was something to do with her nightmare.

"What are you doing in my room?" She asked, still slightly confused from being woken up so quickly.

"We've landed."

"Great. Let me just get changed and we can go." She said, forcing a smile.

"Not yet. What were you dreaming about?" He questioned.

"I don't remember." Clara lied badly. She could tell he could see right through her but was trying her hardest not to let him know the truth.

The Doctor took a seat on the bed next to Clara, who had sat up and was trying to subtly wipe her eyes.

"What's wrong?" He asked, his worry growing greater by the second.

"Nothing." Clara said, shaking her head and looking away again so as not to have to meet his concerned gaze.

"No, something. Tell me." He insisted.

Clara didn't turn back to face him, for fear of what she'd see in his eyes when she told him the truth. Of course, she'd considered lying but she figured whatever she told him he'd worry about and there was no way she could come up with a convincing lie in her state. Instead she opted for telling him what her nightmare was really about. She knew it would hurt him but she also knew that keeping it a secret could hurt them both just as much.

"I was at Demon's Run being attacked by a headless monk."

"Demon's Run?" The Doctor asked. "How do you know about Demon's Run?" When Clara didn't turn back to face him it became clear that she was hiding something and he was starting to put together the pieces as to what it was. "You remember, don't you?" He asked her, tears forming in his eyes at the thought of the painful memories she'd been hiding from him.

Clara turned back to face him, seeing his reaction for the first time as he took in hers.

"I'm sorry." She whispered through her own tears.

"Clara, you have nothing to be sorry for. It's me who should apologise for making you go through all that in the first place."

"You didn't make me do anything. You tried to stop me, remember?"

"It still doesn't make this right." The Doctor argued, his guilt reaching an all-time high. It was as if all the pain he'd felt in the past from losing his friends and his entire race was magnified in Clara. She'd experienced everything he had, only with the addition of dying at every turn in his life. He could never repay her for what she'd done for him and the guilt he felt from that was crippling.

"Don't blame yourself." She told him, her voice steadying as she fought to regain her composure. She figured only one of them could break down at a time.

"It's hard not to." He said quietly, a rare shred of vulnerability shining through his normally bubbly exterior. "How much do you remember?" He asked.

"Quite a lot. Nothing from the future though, I lost that when I came back."

"And you've not told anyone about this since then?"

Clara shook her head. "I don't have anyone to tell."

"You have me."

"I didn't want you to feel any more guilty than you already did. You've done so much good, saved so many lives. You don't have anything to feel guilty for."

"But I couldn't save you." He reminded her sadly. "All those times you died for me and I could never save you."

"You did save me. You brought me back."

"Along with all those horrible memories."

"They weren't all bad. There were a few times when I really got to know you, like in Victorian London when we fought the snow." She paused, a penny dropping in her mind. "That's what Jenny meant wasn't it? And where the photo Angie and Artie found came from?"

The Doctor nodded. "I remember that time. I don't always remember you, and probably didn't even see you most of the time, but I do remember meeting you then. It's why I came looking for you in the first place. I sought you out and brought you into this life. I'm sorry."

"I'm glad you did it. The nightmares are a small price to pay for the amazing things you've shown me and all the people we've saved."

"When I met you in Victorian London I'd just lost some very good friends." The Doctor started. Clara had a feeling she knew where this was going, having seen all of the Doctor's past, but she kept quiet and let him continue with his story. "They were my best friends, really, and my in-laws." He expected Clara to raise an eyebrow at this, forgetting that she must know all about the Ponds and their connection to River. When she showed no surprise he carried on. "They were only the most recent in a long line of people who I've lost and each and every one of them was my fault."

"Martha wasn't." Clara reminded him.

"She was. I hurt her badly by driving her away. I knew how she felt about me but I couldn't act on those feelings so instead I gave her nothing and she got sick of it. Everything that's happened to all of them was my fault and now I've hurt you as well. I've forced you to die a thousand times over and now, knowing that you remember every single one, I realise I've hurt you more than anyone. You've seen who I am and what I do to the people who get close to me."

"Exactly." Clara interrupted. "I've seen who you are. I know you, the good and the bad, and I still want to travel with you. Whatever happens from now, I'm going in with my eyes open. You have nothing to feel guilty for."

It was funny how Clara had ended up being the one to comfort him after he'd woken her from her nightmare. Still, she'd told him nothing but the truth. She just hoped that he believed that. She could live with the nightmares if she knew he didn't feel bad about them. Hurting the Doctor was not something she could live with. She'd spent many lives learning that.


End file.
